OK, here's where I'm dumping all the weird an' wonderful stuff that I find just lying around on the net! There are links to some sites that may be useful and/or interesting, and also sites that are just plain strange or funny. I'm also gonna put stuff like jokes and silly pix on here, in and amongst. Any suggestions/submissions for content, just e-mail em to me, the address is on the very first page of the site, ta! Goddzi xx

 

Try this great quiz! It's called "The Idiot Test"! Feel free to post your scores in the Guestbook and we'll find out how many idiots check out the site. LOL! By the way, I scored 7...

 

Anyone who's bored of Internet Explorer ought to try Mozilla Firefox.It's just been updated to a newer version 3 and it has some intriguing "Add-ons" available, such as "stumble-upon" which, after telling it a few of your likes/preferences has given me these next few links...

My kids say this is like trying to control a "drunk Spiderman"! Quite appropriate I'm sure you'll agree...

Then there's this one that's like the original video game "Pong!", but as viewed from behind the bat, in 3D!

Next it threw this scientific site at me! No, wait it's not that geeky, honest! It's a page of optical illusions, and the reasons why they work!...er...ok, maybe it is a little geeky...but it's fun!

How about expressing the artist in yourself by creating your own "Jackson Pollock"?

This one did my sons head in! Tee hee!

And this one was surprising, in that I didn't realise that "Alice in Wonderland" was once banned!

Finally, this site lets you upload pix (they have to be 60x50 pixels) and it shows them as type!

As soon as I get away from the Drunk Spiderman game, I'll see what else it can show me, and if you find any interesting ones ya think I should put on here, drop us a line at the usual e-mail with the link on it. Cheers!

 

Try this flash jigsaw game. They get progressively more difficult due to the number of pieces, but the twist is that all of them are blank, white jigsaws with no picture!!

 

A guy is sat next to a priest on a plane when the flight attendant comes past asking if people want drinks. The man asks for a rum and coke.

The attendant then asks the priest if he would care for a drink, to which the priest replies,

"I would sooner be raped by a dozen whores than let alcohol pass my lips!"

The man hands back his drink to the attendant and says "Me too! I didn't realise there was a choice!"

 

Like "Lemmings", in this game you have to create safe passage for a group of small defenseless, stupid cratures! They are "blots", and you draw what they walk on! My son played this for about 2 hours when I'd found it!! It's called "Scribble", don't forget you probably have other things to do in your life, eventually...at some point...possibly...

 

Hey, are ya feeling brave? Have some mystery links. There are no offensive ones, honest...

This is useful...

This could be fun...

Hmm, musical?

AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Typing trainer?

Can't remember this one...click it anyway!

And, lastly, another useful one!

Hope you enjoyed those, I did!

 

Wanna buy a tissue that was once used by someone famous? Go here and see what ya can find...

 

Remember "Bomberman" at the arcades? Wanna play it again? Then click here and go for it!

There's also a sequel...

 

Here's a cool site that kinda tells ya about all sorts of new tech toys...then takes the piss out of them!

 

There's a new TV series starting soon called "Starhyke". It's along the lines of Red Dwarf in that it's a Sci-fi sit-com. The really cool thing is some of the cast. There's Claudia Christian who played Susan Ivanova in "Babylon 5" and the guy who played Boba Fett in the original Star Wars trilogy as the slightly mad doctor! Check it out...

 

This games quite addictive! Don’t let the ball get to the top of the screen. Sounds easy enough…

 

 

Ya know the game, "Rock, Paper, Scissors"? Here's some tips on how to win almost every time!

 

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down...

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, the offside rule, rugby, Page 3,or  golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

 

 

Have you ever wondered...

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of its arse."?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme shit why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people-trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on...

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

 

Did you used to own a ZX Spectrum back in the day? Then you probably played "Chuckie Egg"...

 

 

Women are like apples on trees.

 The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy......

 So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

And... Men?

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

And in a similar vein…

 

 

What Women Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer things

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)

2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

“Tron” wasn’t the best film ever made by any stretch of the imagination. But, it did push the boundaries of CGI in movies, and also spawned a few cool games for the arcades. Like this one, the “Light Cycle” racing game.

 

 

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and Mission Control.  

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." 

Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 

On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

 

Here’s a list of what PC World reckon are the 25 worst tech products…EVER!

 

Fancy playing a load of games…for FOUR SECONDS EACH!!?

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.

As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:  "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

 

Procrastinate - why put off til tomorrow what ya can do next week!

 

 

Moral Dilemma

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you won't be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.

Here's the situation:

You are in Louisiana; New Orleans to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making
photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer...somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's George W. Bush, President of the United States!! At the same
time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under...forever. You have two options - you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer:

Would you select high-contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

Two prawns are swimming around in the Carribean Sea, dodging sharks, trying not to get eaten. One prawn, Justin, says to the other, "Ya know, Christian, I'm a bit peed off with all this, having to run away from stuff, lark. I wish I was a shark so I didn't have to worry anymore!"

All of a sudden a mysterious cod appeared...mysteriously! And he did say unto Justin, "Ye verily, I will grant thee thy wish!", and he promptly disappeared again!

Justin turned to his friend to speak, just in time to see the back of him disappear behind the nearest rock! He called out to Christian but didn't recognise his own voice for a second. He suddenly realised he was shark!

He swam about for a while enjoying his new worry free existence, but, soon he grew bored without his playmate and went to find him.

Every time he approached his old mucker though, Christian swam away, scared of the big shark!

For several months Justin tried to convince Christian it was him, but Christian was having none of it! He didn't trust sharks!

Eventually Justin decided there was only one course of action left to him, he must be changed back. So, off he went to find the strange fish that had done the deed!

Justin searched far and wide for the piscine and eventually found him. He explained his situation and was delighted to be given the affirmative and returned to his natural state of being!

Justin swam as fast as his tiny fins would take him back to his pal's house on the sea bed! As he approached he called out, "Great news! I found Cod! I'm a prawn again, Christian!"

 

Here's a "Fun Movie Quiz"! If ya get 'em all...mail me, I'm a bit stuck on a couple of 'em! And, I'm puzzled how they've spelt the LOTR film title, cos no matter what I put in, it keeps saying I'm wrong! How many films can you think of that have Orlando Bloom dressed as an Elf, firing a bow and arrow!!!

 

"The Last Photo I Ever Took" competition winners...

 

A priest wakes one Sunday, to find a glorious sunny day! He decides he'd rather be playing golf on a day such as this, and convinces his curate he's ill and will have to do the mass for him. Then he drives off to a golf course 40 miles away, so no-one from his parish is likely to spot him.

When he gets to the first tee, he realises he has the course to himself as everyone else is in church!

Watching from Heaven, St. Peter turns to the Lord and asks why He is letting the priest get away with this?

Just then, the priest takes his first shot. An almighty swing that heads straight down the fairway toward the tee, drops nicely on the green, and rolls sedately to the hole, and rolls in! A 420 yard hole-in-one!!

St. Peter again asks the Lord why he let the priest do this. To which the Lord replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

 

WOMAN'S OWN - Top Tips that never made it!

Circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain And check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat b*****  d.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cake again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Corsa drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so It may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Girls. Don't worry about a nice dress for that important first date. All he's interested in is seeing you naked.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Housewives. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

 

Things we learned from watching Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 

 

Wanna know which "celebs" ya look like? Here's a site that'll do it for ya! Registration is free...

 

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday following yesterday's disasterous performance.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of  Montoya's bird in the
shower.

 

What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit

Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs!

What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? "What you lookin' at?"

Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4

What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked the blonde employee,"Before we order, could you settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

 

Here's some website url's they really should have thought twice about:

Need a therapist? Then try:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

Need a pen, then try Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

Or perhaps you'd like to visit to the Mole Station Native Nursey:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

Are you a programmer and want to share your advice?:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

Who Represents?, A database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

And there is an Italian Power company:
http://www.powergenitalia.com

And finally... if you need Gas or Central Heating you might like to try:
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

They're all real, so feel free to check em out!

 

5  Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005

Smart  Ass Answer #5:
A  flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As  a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he  opened
his  trench coat and flashed at her.
Without  missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket  not
your  stub."
*****************
Smart  Ass Answer #4:
A  lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,  but
she  couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock  boy,
"Do  these turkeys get any bigger?"
The  stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************
Smart  Ass Answer #3:
The  cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled  down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
 
The  kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When  the
cop  finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
 
******************* 
 

Smart  Ass Answer #2:
A  truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up  that
reads,  "Low  Bridge  Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of  him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for  miles.
Finally,  a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks  to
the  truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck,  huh?"
The  truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out  of
gas."
 
*******************
 
#1  SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................
 
A  college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now  class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal  injury
or  illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no  other
excuses  whatsoever!"
A  smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would  you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and  utter
sexual  exhaustion?"
The  entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence  was
restored,  the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and  sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with  your
other  hand."

 

Highlights of the year in a blonde's life....

January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy, because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter to type a label.
 March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, because the box said "2-4 years."
 April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
 May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid ,because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
 June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
 July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.
 August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger, because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
 September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."
 October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.
 November - Couldn't call 911, because there was no button with "11" on it
December - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120 lbs.

 

Always wanted to know what the question to the ultimate answer of Life, the Universe and Everything is? Then click here for some suggestions...

 

Dear Technical Support, 
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I
had used for years without any trouble.
 
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the
only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
 
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a  virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several
weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only  to discover that when these two systems detected each
other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
 
 
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up
all my  available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
Cleanhouse2005.
 
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored
in Wife  1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months
later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and
I have to try to guess what the  problem is.
 
 
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring
ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to
be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my
Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
 
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
can't be turned off.
 
Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
detects  Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
uninstalling itself.
 
Help requested please

 

I like this game A LOT! It plays at the speed of the backing music, so when there are slow bits in the songs it S-L-O-W-S D-O-W-N and when the music speeds up, so does the guy ya control! And considering the music is by bands such as Inhume, and Regurgitate, ya can imagine how fast it goes!! It's called "Zombie Grinder!" Try it!

 

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him and say's hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says "do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "my God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that i screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said "no, I'm your son's math teacher."

 

 

Yes, ok, I'm a D&D player! But this is FUNNY!

 

Click the colour the word is written in, NOT the words colour! You'll see what I mean...

 

Murphys' Laws of Sex

Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Don't say no, say maybe, say any old thing, say come back in the spring but don't say no.

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

 

Heard of the PSP? Heard of a game called "Death Jr."? Oh well, never mind! This here's a mini-game from their site. Judge the speed and strength right and explode the Hamster-strapped C4 at the optimum moment and see how many demons ya can make go BANG!!

 

This guys puzzles are bloody doing my head in! The "Image puzzle" is easy until stage 4 when you are presented with a blank picture! But, nevertheless, click here to go to his site, and do the "Introdiction puzzle" to get the start code for all his others!

 

Col, this one's for you, dude! And anyone else who loves "The Simpsons". It's a dictionary of all the made-up words they've done, and their meanings!

 

This site just has a load of different games on it, in different categories!

 

 

Here's another one for Col, and any other Simpsons fans out there. A game of Who wants to be a Simpsons Millionaire!

 

The Pope pays a visit to the 7 dwarfs, for dinner. During the meal, Dopey asks a question of the pontiff...

"Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?"

To which the Pope replies, "No, my child, there are not."

So, Dopey asks, "Well, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

The Pope, again, says, "No, my child, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Quietly, in the background, the other dwarfs start chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"

 

If ya wanna make the experience of music on ya PC a bit more int'restin', check out the MP3 Dancer! They pop up at the bottom of ya screen whenever there's music playin', which I find handy to know when some sound's goin' on that I hadn't noticed, my little dancer is up and struttin' her funky stuff to notify me of its presence!

 

If ya like pacman, here's a link to a newer, prettier looking version! Plays just like the original, just looks better!

 

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

 

That's gotta hurt!

 

Here's a link to another great time-wasting game! Ya have to click and hold the left mouse button to catch the paper ball, then release it towards the bin to score! Yes, it's a game of "Throw-the-paper-ball-in-the-bin!"

 

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

 

And, THAT'S what I call a summer job!

 

Here's a game for "Countdown" fans...if there are any looking at this...

 

Bill Gates dies and goes up to Heaven to see God.

When he arrives, God meets him at the pearly gates with a puzzled look on his face.

Bill says, "What's up, God?"

God replies, "Bill, for all the good you have done in your life, you deserve to come into paradise. But, some of your doings during your time have been downright dispicable! Because of this dilemma, and because you are an intelligent man, I am going to give you the choice of where you wish to spend eternity."

Bill thanks God, and says he is most grateful. He decides to try Hell first...

When Bill gets to Hell, he sees beautiful, rolling green fields, birds singing in the trees and gorgeous women running and playing in the sunshine! It all looks so wonderful!

But, Bill, being the intelligent man he is, decides he'll try Heaven out as well, so he can make a balanced, well-informed judgement. So, off he pops back up to Heaven...

In Heaven, Bill sees lots of clouds, and cherubs floating around playing harps, and not much in the way of entertainment, in fact the place looks decidedly BORING!

So, Bill says to God, "I think, having seen my options, I'd like to spend my eternity in Hell, if it's all the same to you."

God clicks his fingers and Bill disappears in a puff of Holy Smoke...

A few weeks later, God nips down to Hell to see how Bill's getting on in Hell.

When he finds him, Bill is manacled to a wall, being whipped by demons, while flames lick at his nether regions, Bill is, obviously, screaming in agony!

Bill calls out, "God! Whatever happened to the rolling, green fields, the birds and the beautiful women?"

To which God replies, "Why, Bill, that was just the screensaver!"

 

And, in another Bill Gates related story...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

 

 

 

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

 

83.65% of all statistics are made up.

 

A young child says to his mother ‘Mum, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician’ she replies ‘well honey, you know you can’t do both’.

 

Ok, here comes the science! This is a rather cool site that shows Earth from 10 million light years away, and then through a series of pictures zooms in to a point beyond the sub-atomic...

 

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. 
Pttery amzanig huh?

 

A quiz for all retro games fans! Guess the game these sounds came from...

 

A man is walking past a Lunatic Asylum when suddenly he hears some loud chanting: "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he tries to find a way to see in to the nuthouse. He eventually finds a hole in the security fence and bends down to peer through the hole. Suddenly a finger jabs him hard in the eye and as he spins around in agony the chanting starts again: "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

 

Try this, it'll keep ya amused for hours at work...

 

These next two links aren't exactly what I'd call porn, but they are a bit rude, you have been notified...

Alright, here's a site for the fellas. Ladies, if you're easily offended by the idea of blokes looking at the things you can see every day, then DON'T CLICK HERE! On the other hand, there is now a womens version on it, so click away!!

 

Another one for the guys. Fellas do ya ever wish ya could clean the INSIDE of ya monitor? Click here and once loaded, just move ya mouse around...

 

Blokes, if you're offended...blah, blah, blah...see above... This is a link to a site showing the Playgirl pix of one Peter Steele, lead singer and bassist with the band Type O Negative

 

Picture taken from the book "The Bunny Suicides"

 

Here's some useless trivia...

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch
every year because when it was built, engineers failed to
take into account the weight of all the
books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH". Or "ORANGE"!

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. And they're getting a bit pissed off about it!

 

Secrets to a Perfect Relationship

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

 

OK, if ya REALLY bored, try this online Rubiks' Cube!

 

Anyone ever read any H. P. Lovecraft? Creepy, old gothic horror from the 30's! Pretty cool stuff, but the "hero" of the mythos HP created is in need of help!

 

How about sending an e-card? Nothing says "How YOU doin'?" like a pair of boobs!

 

A penguin is driving across the U.S.A. and his car breaks down.

Luckily, he was an AAA member and called the dispatcher on his cell phone.

A tow truck was dispatched, and he and his car were towed to the nearest town for repairs. The mechanic told the penguin it would be a while, so the penguin went across the street to find lunch at the grocery store there.

He hung out in frozen foods. He ate some fish sticks, fillets, and some ice cream.

Checking his watch and seeing almost an hour had past, the penguin waddled back across the street to the mechanic.

The mechanic walked up, wiping his hands, and said, “Looks like you blew a seal.”

The penguin blushes, wipes his mouth and says, “No, no! It’s ice cream!”

 

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

 

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-hoo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-hoo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on floor.

 

Yet more Bill Gates bashing jocularity...

Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him.

"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cries Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickers Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughs Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete!"

 

Goddzi! xxx